Reposted from a website that lasted only two months; originally published on 21 Nov 16

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A month ago, I sat in front of my brother's desk searching for jobs on an online portal and stressing over how I lack the qualifications and portfolio for applying for a (content) writer job - which was rampant on that site. Somehow, it led me to the decision of setting up this blog.

You may ask, why bother spending the money to buy your own domain and hosting service when you can create one for free? Well, the professional bloggers, as in those who blog for a living, would say you need your own proper site to do that. Was my reason to ultimately to earn money from this blog? 

Perhaps it was at first, but things changed.  

The irony came when the next day after setting up this blog, the realisation came to me, something similar to what people would call a "calling". I have always been envious of others who could proudly say that they do not mind sacrificing hours of play and rest because what they are doing is their calling. When I asked a friend of mine studying medicine "why do doctors go on 36hr calls?" and "don't they get tired?", she told me, "It's sad but a senior told me, you can rest after you die." And she said that it seems crazy for herself sometimes too, that she could spend so much time in it, get so interested in it, that "this must really be what people call a calling". 

And so, the "calling" came at a really unexpected time with such a great impact it felt like a huge wave was drowning me out. I was appalled by the relief that came from finding something that I could name as "a direction I want to work towards to in my life", after feeling lost and debating with myself for years growing up. And so began my journey of finding out what it entails, talking to my mother and a few friends (some motivating, others information-helpful), attending related talks, doing online research, asking and asking and--I ended up with the conclusion that I needed a job first.

Hah. This is what people call 现实啊...现实 - we are tied down by the limiting realities of life.

I need money.

When I used to apply for bursaries and financial aid during primary/secondary school days and had to ask for my dad's income tax (he's self-employed; my mother does part-time only), I always thought that my family is rather poor, according to the income reported on the sheets. But to people administering scholarships and financial aid out there, I urge you to actually understand how income tax statements and household income work. People can have income... without paying income tax.

There are people out there who really need help, while some apply for financial aid simply to take advantage of the system.


Then I got to my JC/Uni days, and I could see clearer where my family stood in terms of finances. We aren't poor, but we aren't well-off either. This life was rather good for me; I was satisfied with the current standard of living. In university, I felt even "richer" because of scholarship allowances that gave me chances to go on overseas trips, to spend on some concert tickets and albums, to purchase more expensive things. All was good until college graduation.

Because I have been officially unemployed for 7 months since examinations ended. I spent the first two months on my overseas service learning project and my graduation trip, and the rest looking for jobs on a spontaneous basis while trying to figure out what I wanted to do. It was a period of reconciliation with myself. Though I started a part-time job close to a month ago, it was with such frustration and helplessness that I'm writing this post.

My father can be one of the most inconsiderate and selfish fathers on earth. I appreciate what he has done for me and I do love him, but it's precisely because I love him that I keep getting hurt repeatedly. So much... that I just wanted to stop and move out of this house with my mother and brother.

When I started typing this post (after a month of procrastination and deciding whether I should cancel the hosting service), I was bombarded by his loud voice of saying how his daughter was yet to be independent and jobless even after university graduation. He was freely telling a stranger how I cannot even give him living allowances yet and how I'm having such a hard time waking up at 5.30am in the morning doing this part-time job just to earn that minimal salary. Sadly, there was only so much that room door could protect me from.

I need money.

So that I could give him money, so that I could rent an apartment and get my mother out of this place, so that I could pursue my "calling".

I'm so reluctant to call it a "calling" now because I do not know if I would still pursue it in the future.

But, it must be nice to have a dream, no?

But to reach for that dream or to settle for a comfortable life with good money for my parents... After finding a direction, I was troubled this time with trying to draw the line between dreams and reality again.

How much would you invest to pursue a "calling" that you finally found? How much would you sacrifice for it? How much... is enough?

And if that dream shatters, what happens?

I do not know.


Life is full of ironies - just like how this blog lost its original purpose before I could even write the first post, just like how I thought I was okay financially before realising I need so much more money, just like how I thought it is fine to be lost before realising that I have lost so much.

It was only till a career coach pointed out that I was disappointed that I didn't realise this calling earlier, did I realise I am disappointed... 

It was a hopeful, yet disappointing awakening.

it's about learning to dance in the rain.


But not everyone is able to master dancing in the rain. Some of us… just hate the rain. We hate the storms in our lives; they make us wet, cold, sad, lonely… And though some of us learn to bring an umbrella out the next time, the others just wallow in sadness, dragging their feet in the rain.

But you can reach out to others to borrow an umbrella. Or perhaps one day, someone would appear suddenly and shelter you, be it with his umbrella or body. Because no man is an island, we rely on each other. Your friends rely on you, and in return, they probably would like to hold an umbrella for you too. But if you hide and refuse to let them know that your sky is pouring, if you don’t allow them to get under your rainy grey clouds, they would never be able to help.

In life, there are some storms that cannot be avoided, and everyone experiences storms in different periods of their lives. What is important is that you have the strength and courage to seek for the time that the storm will pass. You try to learn to get an umbrella or to borrow one, perhaps even to dance through part of the storm.

And one day, you will feel the warmth of the sunrays heating up your skin a step before you finally return to your warm and cozy home. You will look up at the sun, shielding your eyes partly from the bright rays with your hand and say,

"Ah, the storm is over."

So this is how it feels like to really feel your emotions through the musical, to cry with you, to watch you smile and take fans' gifts, to hand you a gift personally, to crazily recall whatever happened, to massively review photos and videos on tweets, to see myself in those fan videos, and to realise that whatever happened wasn't what I thought happened.

Still, I'm satisfied. It felt like the first step in truly acknowledging that I'm a fan, to not to have to deny wanting to see you all, to hide the excitement within me from others.

There's so much mixed feelings right now I just want to laugh and cry at the same time. The musical, your acting, the music, your singing, your smile, your warm greetings... The fact that I'm leaving in a day or so, the fact that this unknown future feels so vague.

Is that how you feel from time to time too? I'll draw courage from your smile to take this step to the outside world. Because while you and the others are working hard, I should be working hard too.

Till then... Till I see you and others again, I'll bravely smile and find my own spot, find my own path in life. And till then and beyond, I'll be praying for your and others' health and smile.

E.L.F. - Everlasting friend.

Perhaps it's impossible to always be your fan, but it feels like I'll forever be your friend, supporting you no matter where I am. 슈주... 규현오빠... 늘 고맙고 사랑한다.

So... I missed my birthday month.

I wanted to post on the night of my birthday as a record, but it didn't work out because two of my cousins turned up at my house at 10plus, when I was still at Holland V with friends. 21st was really an unforgettable one, having celebrated with Siok, Jan, Gen early; Mummy on Sun; squadmates on Mon; my colleagues during Tues lunch; 402 'family' on Tues dinner; cousins after dinner; and eventually with atyp during chalet.

It was a really eventful week that wore me out by the weekend after chalet, but worth it with all the love I received. :3 And of course, I think one of the things that made me happy these few weeks was getting to know a crazy bunch of angels/demons fellow elfs, who wrote a fanfic between me and James.... the line character, who is essentially a... sticker.

Right. Still, much love. :3


And so, happy things over, 3 years is too short, really too short for my university.

Because of the MERS situation in Korea, I had a really long debate with myself and my friends over our exchange semester. And in the end, for the 安心 (?) of our parents, we decided to cancel it. Cancellation is a pain, especially since my travel grant has arrived nicely in my bank account. Sigh. To think of it, every time I wanted something badly, I always don't seem to get it?

Is that why I always give up so easily?

Say, I can always have another chance to go 'live' in Korea yes, but I seem to see this opportunity as the only time... maybe because it would be the one to boost my resume? I really don't know. The thought of getting a scholarship for masters seems quite impossible, especially if I'm trying to apply to a korean university... But if I work hard and brush up my results, it would be possible, right?

And then the problem comes back to the degree I'm currently doing... It's just.. not my forte.
I can score A+ for my electives, but when it comes to my cores, I really dunno how. Even if I did work hard, the best it goes is like A-? I really dunno what to think about it anymore.

And because I find myself rather uninterested in these, all those competitions seem so... unappealing and burdensome for me in a way. Even if I do wanna try, where do I find the people to do it with me? Sometimes, I'm so socially awkward that I just wanna hide at home and face my computer. I guess that's why I find online friends such a relief... You can talk to them without worrying how they did view you and whether they wanna hurt you or if have any motives. It's simple.

Then that day when we had family lunch (like the entire family for once with my grandpa, aunts, uncles and cousins on my paternal side), one of them said that I had the most potential there to do something big... and was all praises for me. Right then, I wondered how it would be to make my dad that proud to be something reputable. Perhaps if I did Bio/Physics in JC so that I could choose a med course, becoming a doctor would be something my dad would be really proud of, right? But I didn't.

Then my dad thought that I chose a finance course, only to find that I was doing marketing when he asked about my internship. Again, another disappointment for him in a way, right? And he said that sometimes, we just need to do a job we don't like to live our lives.

But I don't like that thought. I yearn to be a dreamer... though I'm not.

I seem to forever bow down to reality.

When will the day when I truly choose my dreams over reality come?

And when will the day when I truly know what I want and what my dreams are come?

Maybe this would be an endless road of searching.

And so I missed a post for the month of April.

But it's First of May!

Exams ended yesterday on a dizzy note (literally dizzy because I was having a headache and cramps all day), but there was SS6 SG today!!!

My first SS6 experience. :)

I wasn't really excited about it until I was sitting in the stadium, but was still being distracted by the crazily strict and scary security who were catching fans taking photos and trying to throw them out.. Still, I didn't feel much excitement (as in fan girl excitement) as I sat there screaming..

It was like a dream. Them being there, yet not there.
I didn't feel the closeness with them like I thought I would, but I still laughed so hard.
I guess I was just overwhelmed... and confused over who I should be looking and what I should be looking. I need like a pair of eyes for each member, and another extra pair to admire their stage design and choreography.

Now that I'm alone and sitting on the sofa, I feel the excitement hitting me hard. My mind is so messed up now.. so I shall just write down random moments that I wanna remember from this concert...

Firstly, the fan projects. :) Sg was never that strong a fandom, but we tried our best to hold up the projects. And thank you Kangin for pointing out that you saw them. And thank you fans from all over the world who came down to Sg to fill up the seats altogether. During one of the performances (was it too many beautiful girls?) when they turned off all the lights and members lit up their own light sticks on stage, that was when I really felt like, wow, so this is the sapphire blue ocean. The beautiful one that made us all proud of.

Secondly, thank you for your smile, Hyukjae. I think we were all worried about what happened, and when your tears were welling up at the last ment, I wanted to cry as well. But I'm so glad the rest of the members were there to take care of you, especially Chul who tried to cheer you up after that and kept talking to you. Thank you for smiling, and I glad that we actually gave you strength. And I'll pray for your happiness and health too, and for everyone as well.

Thirdly, thank you Shindong. I cried when your video was shown. That song... that heart-felt performance... Even if you don't express yourself much, we understand your heart. And I won't forget. :) I promise. I'll wait for you to come back as well~ <3 nbsp="" p="">
Fourthly, thank you Siwon and Leeteuk for your special solos. You two sang so damn well, especially our dear leader who amazed me. And don't worry Siwon, I won't change my heart. Let's look forward to SS7!

Fifthly, thank you Kyuhyun, for the energy ball you were today! The random gun pointing, emergency, danger, mix of english and chinese. x'D And the secret that you love us...! How can you be so cute? And thank you for taking the time to make sure you waved to everyone.

Sixthly, thank you Henry and Zhoumi... Henry's violin performance was so damn captivating. You're really a born performer. And thank you Zhoumi for the blast of Chinese, though I hardly caught your dazzling smile today. ):

Seventhly, thank you Heechul for your random english phrases and singing that sent us laughing like hell. yo, what's up man! Rap! I don't care! Whatever! Yesterday! Today! Shut up horse! hahahah, you were amazing. And I loved your ponytail at the start during Twins, why did you have to put it down to your ahjumma hairstyle after that? ): Please do the ponytail hairstyle again~~

Eightly, thank you Ryeowook for your calmness and your judging of your hyungs. xD AND YOU LOOKED TOO PRETTY IN THE ELSA PERFORMANCE. HOW CAN YOU LOOK SO PRETTY WITH ALL THE DIFFERENT HAIRSTYLES EVERY SHOW?!? And oh, we don't eat chilli crab and pepper crab here everyday...

Ninthly, thank you Donghae for being the cutie you were today, yet so charming. T^T You looked really really good with that eye makeup. and so cute with that plushie...

Tenthly! Coming soon Yesung! You're an emergency apparently! hahahah, I'm really looking forward to seeing you with others.

Lastly, I miss you, though I have never seen you in person. I couldn't help spotting your lines that were sang by others, the empty spots in the choreo that were yours or those replaced by others, your usual ment position... everything. I hope you're doing fine... and I hope I can see you in the next show. May time flush away everything and return everything to normal. May you be as close with your members as ever. May you be as happy as ever.



First super show experience was so... overwhelming. I don't know how else to describe it. Thankful for the boys, thankful for the company, thankful for the fandom.

우리 영원히 하자.. 같이 늙어 하자...

Thank you for everything. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Because the only thing that is constant is change.

How does it feel like if there are multiple personalities living within you? Is it really a endless battle against yourself?

Even without such a mental disorder, we're constantly fighting with ourselves, isn't it?

Fighting against our thinking, our feelings, our expectations, our pride. Yet, it is a definite thing that we won't be able to figure out who we exactly are, what we exactly want.

Do I like you or do I just like you being beside me? Am I being selfish if I give you what you want on the surface yet not giving you what you want? Do I dislike you or do I dislike the way I act around you?

There lives a devil inside everyone. And my devil seems to grow stronger and stronger as I get older and see more things. Maybe, one day, the devil will be me.

Because I'm starting to think, why try so hard to be good when it feels good to be bad?

I dislike change. I'm afraid of change. But I can't avoid change. Maybe it's better to embrace change.

THAT LADYY

` Luping
` Amethyst (Ame)
` 22

` 6H'06 FTPPS
` 104'07 204'08 302'09 402'10 NYGH
` 11S6A HCJC
` NTU

`ELF, Primadonna, F迷, JM and much more

used to be:
` Audi-addict; IcyWitchy/IcyIceWitchy/
---xAMETHYST / Amethystf
` FAM: TheRetainners; -PlayWithMe- ; xLOVEDOPESSx;


Luping is a lost child that has been seeking for her career direction since the first time someone asked her "What would you like to be when you grow up?", when she was still too tiny to reach the basin in her house. Despite reading books like What Should I Do with My Life: The True Story of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question by Po Bronson, she had been searching like a headless housefly (literally translated from 无头苍蝇) past graduation when she actually probably needed to find a job. Eventually, she found a job and a... direction.

For those who know Luping personally, she loves plushies/soft toys and is prepared to go on war with anyone who gets their hands on her babies. Her babies are personified with voices of hers and her Mummy's, and both of them enjoy framing the babies for things they obviously cannot do. When her Mummy suggested that if one day, the babies actually speak up, “那应该会吓死” (it would probably frighten one to death), she responded that she will instead “开心死” (be happy till death) if xiaofenhong (our cute, hot pink, flat bunny) replies her. That is the extent of her loneliness love for her babies.

And for those who know Luping as Amethyst, she is a rather huge fangirl of the Korean boy band, Super Junior. So much that she learnt (and is still learning - 반가워요!) Korean in hope of understanding what they say without subtitles and avoiding the losses in translation. She has been a fanfic writer for two years and counting, which sparked off her interest in writing and thus, this blog to practise writing so that one day, she might have the courage to apply for a (content) writer position or send in a manuscript to a publisher.

HER PASTY

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