.Saturday, May 19, 2007 ' 1:57 PM Y
& I'm waiting
FUCK!!!!!!! SUCKER!! IDIOT!!!!!!!!! HE ALWAYS THINK HE VERY PRO LIKE THAT.. SAY I NEVER ANSWER HIM WHATEVER WHATEVER.. HECK CARE HIM LA.. ALWAYS ASK HIM QUES HE ALSO WAIT A WHILE THERE DAY DREAM.. THEN I ASK AGAIN. HE HUH ME.. STILL MUST SAY 3RD TIME THEN HE ANSWER. AND I SO ANGRY I TOLD HIM THAT RIGHT IN HIS FACE. AND U KNOW WHAT FUCKING ANSWER HE GIVE? "I WHERE GOT NEVER ANSWER U? IF I DARE TO SAY U LIKE THAT, THAT MEANS I WON'T DUN ANSWER PEOPLE DE" IDIOT SIA! THINK HE VERY PRO. [SRY FOR THE VULGAR..BUT I'M TOO PISSED OFF AND...]
AND THAT SICKENING BRO SAY HE NEED DO HW USING COM TO HIM. AND HE FUCKING COME TELL ME WHEN I PLAYING AUDI HALFWAY ASK ME OFF THE GAME LET HIM USE. USE WAT SHIT LA. JUST NOW HE WAS ASKING ME TO LET HIM PLAY. NOW BECOME DO HW. WHAT THE HECK LA!
SO PISSED OFF NOW. WHY ARE THERE SUCH PEOPLE IN MY FAMILY. STILL SAY "F U KEEP PLAYING EVERYDAY LIKE THAT" NOTE THAT EVERYDAY! I ONLY PLAY AUDI DURING WEEKENDS LA! WHAT THE FUCK LA!
THEN STILL SAY ONE DAY HE WILL OFF MY COM UNTIL SPOIL THEN DUN NID USE IT FOR HW LIAO. ASK ME EVERYTIME GO FRENS' HOUSE USE SEE I EMBARRASSED OF WHATEVER OR WAT. KNS LA! HE THINK HE WAT IS IT! LIKE THAT THE MOST I DROP OUT OF NANYANG GO OTHER SCH LA. LIKE I CARE! IT WASN'T EVEN MY FAULT! EVERYTIME MY BRO CAN PLAY I CANNOT. WHAT IDIOT FUCKING FACT IS THIS? HAVE HE EVEN CARE AND THOUGHT ABOUT MY FEELINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE? HE ONLY LIKES BOYS WAT! SAY WAT I STUDY SO MUCH SO GOOD NO MANNERS ALSO NO USE. I FEEL LIKE TEARING UP THE STUPID STORYTELLING SABBATICAL PAPER INFRONT OF ME NOW. I DUN WISH TO TALK TO HIM. CAUSE EVERY SENTENCE OR EVEN WORD THAT COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS FUCKIN SMELLY! EVERYTIME OFF MY COM STRAIGHT WHEN I PLAYING. THEN MY BRO JIU DIFFERENT LA! SAY DENG YI XIA THEN HE PLAY 20 MINS LATER THEN HE SLOWLY SHUT DOWN HIS COM! WTH!
SICK WITH COUGH AND SORE THROAT. BUT DOES HE EVEN CARE ABOUT ME? ALL MY FRENS ASK IF I'M ALRIGHT AND MY MUM TAKES CARE OF ME EVERYDAY. EVEN IF HUIJUN JOKE ABOUT WHETHER I NEED HER COME MY HOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF ME... I STILL KNOWS THAT SHE MEANT GOOD FOR ME. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN ASK WHETHER I FEEL BETTER OR WAT. AND MY BRO TOO, ONLY CARE ABOUT PLAYING HIS COM AND TT'S ALL. AND HE IS BAISED TOWARDS MY BRO, HAVE TO PUT THE COM IN HIS ROOM. AND THEN TT TIME I RUSHING PROJECT DUE THE NEXT DAY, AND THEN MY BRO SAY WAN SLEEP ASK ME OFF. AND TT IDIOT HE COME AND SCOLD ME SAY WHY NOW THEN DO PROJECT. BETER OFF NOW. NEXT TIME IF UR FRENS SO LATE THEN DO PROJECT WIF U, TELL THE TEACHER I DUN WAN DO PROJECT WIF HER. THE COM IN MY BRO'S ROOM AND HE NEED SLEEP BUT THIS GIRL DO PROJECT VERY LATE THEN MY BRO CANNOT SLEEP! WTH LA! TT TIME I CAN TELL U CONFIDENTLY THE TIME WAS 9.30. ZZ... IT'S SO EARLY LA!
AND HE LIED TO ME WHEN WE MOVED HOUSE. SAY GIB ME ONE SMALL ROOM AT THE BACK THERE. AND THEN MY BRO GOT THE BIGGER ROOM? YEA.. HE BIGGER HE GET BIGGER LA. WELL, I DUN WAN TO ARGUE ABOUT TT. AND HE STILL SAY WAN INSTALL AIR CON FOR ME AND SO ON. AND IN THE END, NTH!?!?! AND THE COM STILL HAVE TO BE PLACED IN MY BRO'S ROOM. HAVE THEY EVER THOUGHT ABOUT ME? HE ONLY THINKS THAT HE'S RIGHT. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT TO HIM. HE THINK HE'S RIGHT, THE ULTIMATE WINNER RIGHT? WTH LA! AND HE SENT ME TO THE TEMPLE TO LEARN BUDDISHM, ABOUT FORGIVENESS AND THINGS. DURING THE PERIOD WHEN I WENT TO THE TEMPLE, I REALLY LEARNT ALOT OF THINGS, AND THEY DO SORT OUT MY THOUGHTS AT TIMES, AND I BELIEVE IN THE BUDDHA.. AS MY TUTION TEACHER HAD SAID, HE ACHIEVED WISDOM, HE HAS WISDOM, CAUSE HE BELIEVED IN THE BUDDHA, AND THE BUDDHA GAVE HIM WISDOM, BUT.. BUT HIS TEMPER.. HE DOESN'T MAKE TILL THE POINT OF FORGIVENESS.. I THINK I SHALL NOT TALK ABOUT THIS..
AND BECAUSE TT PEICE OF PAPER INFRONT OF ME NOW IS FOR THE SABBATICAL THING, I ONLY TORE A BIT OF IT. AND TOOK THE BLANK PAPER AND TEAR AND TEAR. AND HE SAY PICK UP EVERY PIECE OF PAPER LATER. WTF LA! WHO CARES! I'M NEVER GONNA PICK IT UP! HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME! HE ONLY HURTS ME! AND WHY DO I STUDY SO HARD TO MAKE HIM HAPPY? TO MAKE HIM PROUD OF ME? NO.. I HAVE A CHOICE NOT TO DO TT. I CAN DON'T COME TO NANYANG. I CAN DUN BE IN THE BEST CLASS 6H. I CAN DUN GET 263 FOR PSLE. I CAN DUN GET STANDARD PLACINGS AT ALL IN PRI SCH. I COULD HAVE JUST BE A ROTTEN APPLE THEN A BRIGHT JUICY ONE. I COULD HAVE GONE EM3. I COULD HAVE JUST FAIL PSLE. BUT ALL THESE CANNOT BE CHANGE, CAUSE IT'S THE PAST. AND MAYBE I HAD JUST DID IT FOR MYSELF, OR MAYBE MY MUM. SHE CAN BE UNREASONABLE AT TIMES, BUT I TELL HER EVERYTHING AT NIGHT BEFORE BED, AND SHE UNDERSTANDS. I WISH FOR MY TUTION TEACHER TO COME BACK FROM INDONESIA AND TEACH ME.. I NEED HIS HELP. BUT WILL HE BE MY RIGHT CHOICE? I NEED SOMEONE TO CONFRONT TO.. I NEED MDM SNG MAYBE, BUT SHE'S TOO BUSY AFTER ALL.. I COULD FIND MY PRI SCH TEACHERS, BUT AFTER ALL, THEY DUN HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF ME ANYMORE. AND MY SEC SCH TEACHERS SIMPLY DUN CARE. WELL, IN NANYANG, EVERYHING IS JUST ABOUT COMPETITION AND STUDY, RESULTS AND TROPHIES. WAT MORE ARE THERE?
AND EVERYTHING MADE ME SICK, SICK OF LIFE, SICK OF LIVING... I DUN WANT TO DO ANY HW..I'M TOO TIRED TO THEM.. I'M TOO SICK OF HW.. I DREADED HW SIMPLY.. BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT TT, CAUSE I'M A NANYANG GIRL, IN NANYANG GIRLS' HIGH SCH.
A STUDENT'S JOB IS TO STUDY AND DO HW.. WHO INVENTED SCH? WHO INVENTED STUDYING? AND SHOULD WE EVEN HATE TO BE ABLE TO STUDY AND DO HW? HOW ABOUT THE POOR KIDS IN AFRICA AND INDONESIA, OR SIMPLY THE UNIVERSE? WHY DO WE HAVE A CHANCE TO STUDY, AND THEY DON'T? THERE IS NEVER A SATISFIED ANSWER TO THIS QUES, AND THE ANSWER IS NOT GOD MADE IT TT WAY OR WAT. IN THIS WORLD, GOD MIGHT NOT HAVE EXISTED EVEN, IT'S JUST A BELIEF OF PEOPLE. OR MAYBE THE ANSWER IS PEOPLE MADE IT TT WAY, OR IT'S SIMPLY "THIS IS LIFE. LIFE IS NEVER FAIR".
WHY AM I MADE TO BE A CLEVER GIRL IN PEOPLE'S EYES TODAY? AND WHY AM I SAID TO BE MATURE BY PEOPLE? WHY DO I THINK SO MUCH? AND NOW, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I DID PEN DOWN MY THOUGHTS.
WHY DO I CRY IN FRONT OF PEOPLE LAST TIME? AND NOW I WISH TO CRY, BUT WHERE DID MY TEARS GO? ALL DRIED UP.. ALL GONE.. AND THIS FEELING IS REALLY TERRIBLE.. TIMOTHY SAID IT TOOK HIM 6 YEARS TO SORT AND THINK EVERYTHING OUT AND LEARN TO LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE IN LIFE.. BUT WILL TIME REALLY RESOLVE EVERYTHING FOR ME? I DOUBT SO..
WHAT IS LIFE? WHY IS LIFE CREATED? WHO OWNS LIFE? WHERE DOES LIFE COME FROM? HOW DOES LIFE TASTE? BITTER OR SWEET?
DIFFERENT PHRASES IN LIFE.. FROM A BABY TO A TOODLER WHO STARTS TO UNDERSTAND THINGS.. AND FROM A TOODLER TO A TEENAGER WHO STARTS TO FROWN ABOUT TROUBLES AND STUFF.. AND FROM A TEENAGER TO AN ADULT WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND THINGS AND THINK TT CHILDREN DO NOT UNDERSTAND. AND FROM AN ADULT TO AN ELDERLY WHO SOMETIMES DOESN'T EVEN CARES ABOUT LIFE. IS THIS THE LIFE OF EVERYONE?
HOW I WISH TIME CAN COME TO A STANDSTILL AND I DID STILL BE IN PRI SCH. ABLE TO TELL MY FEELINGS TO MY TEACHERS AND MY FRENS.... 6H... THE CLASS TT HAD ALWAYS BEEN BONDED.. I WISH TO GO BACK THERE.. BUT TIME CANNOT BE TURN BACK.. LIGHT LOOKS FRAIL FOR ME IN THE FUTURE AND I'M SIMPLY LOST.. WITH A BROKEN HEART AND BROKEN SOUL.. WILL ANYONE SAVE ME? MY GAN KOR? MY MUM? MY FRENS? MY TEACHERS? I DUN THINK SO..
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE YEAR, I CRIED.. I CRIED IN MY HEART MISERABLY, AND CRIED WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE.. TT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO CRY.. TO ME.. CRYING ISN'T AN EASY TASK FOR ME ANYMORE..I HAVE TO BE STRONG AND SOLVE EVERYTHING...... BUT OTHER PEOPLE NEED HELP, DON'T I TOO? BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE AND BOTHER TO HELP ME.. EVEN WHEN I'M REAL DROWNING....
LIFE IS HARD, CAUSE WE MADE IT THAT WAY.. AS MY SENIOR HAD SAID, HOW TRUE TT SENTENCE WAS.. AND SOME PEOPLE WILL NEVER KNOW OR UNDERSTAND OR EXPERIENCE THE MEANING OF LIFE.. CAUSE THEY ARE CHILDISH..
AND FOR ME TO WALK OUT OF THIS DARK TUNNEL, IT'D BE HARD.. AND I DUNNO WHEN..IT MAY TAKE 1 DAY, 1 MONTH, 1 YEAR, 1 DECADE OR EVEN FOREVER... CRYSTAL TEARS STREAM DOWN MY FACE, AS I FELL.. WILL ANYONE BE THERE TO CATCH ME, AND WIPE MY TEARS FOR ME? .. ...
MY HEART BROKE, MY SOUL PERISHED, AND TO HIM, IT SEEM THAT NTH REALLY HAPPEN... IT REALLY BROKE MY HEART.. AND MY HEART CRIED MISERABLY, PAINFULLY... AND NOBODY IS THERE TO HELP ME OUT OF HERE.. AND I'M STUCK AND DROWNED IN MY OWN FEELINGS... ='(