.Wednesday, July 25, 2007 ' 6:16 PM Y
& I'm waiting
=/
Recently had been quite sian and "emo"..
Some people regard 'emo' as emotional but some say that it means u want to die..
Well, i guess i'm both..
Sort of sick of this life..
Like everyday mug and mug and mug..
Like forever no rest.. even weekends end so fast to me..
Have to somehow find time to study..if not surely fail le..
Haiz..feel so tired..i wan to go to sleep and never wake up..
These few days i've been thinking..
And i remembered saying these words to Eileen and Ying Hui because Ying Hui was talking about crazy gals(xiao cha bo).. "It's good being crazy too.. at least u dun have to face that reality.."
Yea.. but who invented fantasy in the first place and what is fantasy?
Being in ur own nice little world...?
Hahs..who knows.. is your own definition for these words that counts.. Becos that is ur perspective of things..
Sianz.. Guess my bro saw everything in this post.. Cos he keep disturbing me and say he wants to play com.. Well, blogs dun have privacy in the first place..
And recently had been crying at night before bed.. dunno why.. really felt 'sick'..
LA test, History test, Maths test, Chinese test, Geo test all over le.. Left chem test which is after sabbaticals..
But got first aid exam on friday.. I think i'm gonna fail terribly.. would totally screwed the whole exam.. so i will just die..
And our squad like totally dunno about the exam until the year 2 seniors told us.. Cos Eileen and Meng Ran were the only ones who went CCA last week, and the ncos say we'll be having quiz.. so in the end, quiz become exam somehow..=/
Nvm, shall study and mug and mug and study and study and mug and mug and study and study and mug and times infinity.. =X
Hahas.. i'm getting lame..
Nvm.. x)
Oops.. my bro saw everything again, he keeps coming into the room.. whatever..
Haiz..these few days the skies were like damn dark.. always filled with black clouds..=(
What gloomy, dull and cold days...
Totally affected my mood..
So, i keep thinking negatively about things..
My Mum just came in, nagged at me again..
Well, at least my gloomy mood these few days doesn't make me lose my temper easily..
So i'm kinda 'calm' as in won't suddenly become angry..but will suddenly cry de.. i'm sure of that.. =/
It's been more than half a year in Nanyang already.. And i really wonder if i could hang on.. It's not an easy task..
But if i will really try to hang on hard for everybody and myself..
Maybe, maybe not..
Maybe i would just give up one day..
Maybe i won't be up to standard and fail everything one day..
Maybe.. All the worst maybes could happen to me..
But just like what Yu Chan said..
跌倒就爬起来..But maybe i dun even bother and have tt strength to get up anymore..
Hahs.. keep doubting myself..
Well, that's me and i can't totally change it..
Things had been tough lately..
And i really dun feel like studying..
Feel like throwing my books aside and slack..
But like i've always doubt myself, i doubt i can do that..
It's not up to my choice anyways..
Oh..Maybe it is..
Like they always say, "Destiny is in your own hands.."
Hahs.. But how you want to craft ur own destiny is always affected by those around u..
My dad told me one morning when sending me to school that he hoped i could be a computer engineer..电脑工程师..
Well, he say could earn some money.. So yea, i might just choose that for him..
And i dunno if i would really bear to leave Singapore and go overseas to study.. Dun even know whether i could survive there?! Hahas.. Maybe i think too far..
But it's ok for people to think of their future right?
Hehes.. I guess so..
Sort of going crazy now..
Nvm, at least i dun have to face and think about the reality like i already said..
Can i pull through..?
I think i really dun understand myself..
Always telling and comforting people, telling them they can do it..
But i really have no way of convincing myself that "I CAN DO IT"..
And sometimes really feel left out..
Maybe not.. I dunno..
My brain is in 'total chaos' now... =X
Hahas..
Waa..wrote lots of crap.. But at least i can pour all my feelings out..
Haiz.. I'm getting emo again i think..
Can i even cheer myself up?
But that sounds wierd..
Usually people cheer u up..
But me..i dunno if anyone would be there for me always..
Oh yea.. And with our pathetic smallest squad ever formed.. our future yi pian miao mang.. is like 10 PEOPLE WITH 2 PRCS.. So by year 3, only left 8 of us.. But two of them are going to quit.. So, we might just end up with 6 people.. Wow, cool or not? Zzz.. Oh crap.. Cool like shyt.. We'll be damn busy and pathetic during CCA.. Dunno how are we going to form com and quiz team with 6 people.. =(
Well, that will be the problem in the future..
Oh, reminded me of FPS today.. Had a mock timed trail with the national treasures passage and i totally wrote crap about the problems.. =X
Hahas.. I'm kinda bad at FPS i think.. =/
Realised everytime i want to stop typing, i will suddenly think of something to type.. And amazingly, i've spent about an hour trying to finish this post..
Haha.. i'm like really hoping i will go crazy..
But it may not be a good thing after all..
Cos i dun wan my parents to cry over me..
Shall not impose anymore troubles on them..
So i shall end here and go eat dinner..
Be the good girl again..
JiaYou to myself and 'you can do it' although i really doubt that..
-Doubts are always part of your decisions.. And these doubts make you really ponder over things.. But try not to think too much.. Becos doubts can also lead u to no end.. But it's really not up to me whether i can dun think too much..-
-You'd never know the feeling of falling down in the dark with nothing to reach out for and no one's there to save you..-
-当你不在等待时，时间过得很快..但我正在等待一切结束的来临，因为我已经看不到希望了..-