.Monday, July 30, 2012 ' 6:33 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Been awfully tired these few days and the weariness just comes over me.
And I've been guilty for not doing any work for the past weekend and causing all the work to pile up now. and again, I haven't done any work since I reached home.
It's returning again. That damn mood and attitude of mine.
It's when I know I'm so going to freak out and screw up in the end, yet I go "I don't care".
Need to get a hold of myself and get rid of my sleepy bug soon. Best, the next moment.
Song sharing:
喘息 -- 张芸京
It calms me down. And sometimes, I feel the tinge of pain in my heart listening to the guitar intro. It captures a mysterious sorrow.
原来我误会了过去，其实我不懂得爱情
也许，我误会的是我自己的真心。
.Wednesday, July 25, 2012 ' 6:51 PM Y
& I'm waiting
有時候聼別人的發言會發現原來自己有多無知。
一味的想要寫出能升入人心的詞句，但卻發現自己辦不到。
也許我還是那無知、膚淺的女孩。
離“成熟”這兩個字還遠呢。。
.Monday, July 23, 2012 ' 9:10 PM Y
& I'm waiting
想认识我吗？
巨蟹太过假装，分明很在乎却还要摆出一副冷酷的表情；巨蟹太过高傲，累死还在维护那要命的自尊；巨蟹总在死撑，分明很伤心却还要装的很坚强；巨蟹脾气不太好，但其实并不喜欢和别人发生冲突。善良的巨蟹只是不希望把所有的脆弱都暴露在别人面前，让别人担心。
.Thursday, July 19, 2012 ' 6:47 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Hunger
30 Hour Famine.
Heard of it?
It's basically a charitable movement by World's Vision and aims to spread awareness about people suffering from hunger and raise funds/food for these people.
If you google it and go to its website, it tells you that hunger is one of the main causes of death in children, and one kid is lost in the amount of time I took to type this short paragraph. Yes, it's estimated to be only 8 seconds.
And so, people come together under this famine movement to go hungry so others don't have to.
Honestly, I'm actually posting about this because I'm really experiencing hunger now.
This situation has persisted since the start of July, and I get really hungry to the point that I feel 'pain'. Sometimes, I wonder if I would get gastric, but in any case, I wouldn't want to let myself eat too much because of a selfish reason: I don't wanna get fat.
Yes, and the fact that I'm having dinner soon makes me avoid eating now so that I can ensure I finish my dinner and my mum wouldn't be troubled. Guess that's a good thing because I'm not wasting food. (which reminds me of my friend who wastes food very frequently in school. She has some weird theory that she can only finish her food at home and not in school, and it's usually because she's picky with food, e.g. don't like to eat so much rice, or certain method of cooking the chicken, etc.) And somehow someday, I started to nag at her not to waste food. It's probably a habit from young that I actually finish everything on my plate (as much as I can, of course not including the bones and what-not). At least I'm proud of myself for not wasting food. & I usually get really guilty when I do so because I was too full to finish the food.
Anyway, hunger reminds me of the essay question that we came across last time: Is it ever possible to eradicate hunger fully in the world? (not exact phrasing, but somewhere along that line.)
I believe physical hunger can be eradicated eventually, if the fortunate ones like us offer a helping hand to the not so fortunate ones. At least, there are people who care (like in 30 hour famine) and this would hopefully spread to more people who have the ability to help.
But then again, the hunger for power, fame, money, materialistic goods, etc., also known as greed, probably cannot be eradicated. If you wanna put this in Econs terms, it's that people have unlimited wants but they are limited resources, hence resulting in scarcity. When we achieve an aim, we naturally go for the next one. Even if one claims that he is satisfied with life, he still pursues less significant wants. It's innate, greed.
And that's why we all need to learn to control our greed; resist the temptation.
Even though we cannot be fully satisfied, it doesn't mean when cannot be mostly satisfied.
Like what FanFan sang in her song: 可是人生完美的事太少，我们不能什么都想要
(Translation: But in life, there are just too little perfect things. We cannot insist on wanting everything.)
And yes, that's where choice comes in. We need to pick what we truly want and forgo the rest.
According to the psychometric test I took, I believe in the good nature of everyone and will give the benefit of doubt before there is any evidence.
And so, I trust that there's a limit to someone's greed, even though deep down in me, I know it's near impossible. I just wanna live life happily and see the good side of people.
So, coming back to hunger, the hunger in me is actually subsiding. You know, there's this period of time where the pain becomes slightly too uncomfortable but you feel better when it passes. Still, come home soon mummy, so that I can eat my dinner.
.Tuesday, July 17, 2012 ' 5:32 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Econs
Unfortunately, it's turning into such a headache now.
From a C to a U.. Something is going really wrong.. :/
But I have no idea what's wrong.
And the worst part of it,
I didn't seem really that affected by it than I should be/
I'm still not motivated to work hard.
Econs is such a mystery, but I'm sure I'm more of it.
.Monday, July 16, 2012 ' 7:53 PM Y
& I'm waiting
下一秒
拉着你的手，向游乐场奔去。
你说时间还很多，可以放慢脚步。
当时听着别人唱，未必明天就有以后。
我不信，只想你不会放开手。
但想 却没让我想到
你的心早已不属于我。
未来瞬间化成了童话，
但不同的是，这故事没有快乐的结局。
下一秒，你是否还在我身后。
我寻找，却看不见你的踪影。
下一秒，你是否还会牵起我的手。
我的手早已为你掏空。
下一秒，有谁预料故事的出口。
你认为 放手就会得到你所谓的自由。
下一秒，你回头寻找我的踪迹。
但我已放弃 痛心的等候。
.Saturday, July 14, 2012 ' 6:59 PM Y
& I'm waiting
The 200th Post
又坐在那公园里的长椅，我们似乎练习着沉默。
什么时候，我们开始需要想话题过。
这样的努力，还能延续多久？
终于你无意中提起她的温柔，还假装若无其事的带过。
我配合你的演出，假装不在乎这一切。
虽然试着忽略，但眼泪却出卖了自己。
我真的懂，爱情无法强求。
别再握着我的手，说不是我不够好。
我都了，这只是缘分已到。
但挣扎少不了，我甘愿当那傻瓜。
那晚上你我的之间在脑中闪过，
我对着镜子里的自己说，是该放手了。
总该有个人离开你左右，我想先走。
你无需再说，也许这是最好的结果。
而这会是我 真正的解脱。
.Friday, July 13, 2012 ' 9:31 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Ice Skating
A first-time at ice skating with classmates.
It was tiring, especially after having PE in the morning.
But definitely fun. :)
Unfortunately, I couldn't really skate. (and fell down 0 times)
Maybe the fear of falling down is holding me back, or maybe I just don't know how to go about doing it.
I'm probably just not a risk taker who will let go and skate metres endlessly.
And so people were telling me that you can't really learn if you didn't even fall down once at all, and all the talk about wasting money. (20 bucks for 2 hours).
Thought it was more like class bonding and having fun together instead of merely wasting money because I gave up skating halfway.
It was a worthwhile experience no matter what. :D
Really glad that mummy is fine, hope everything will be okayy. :)
.Thursday, July 12, 2012 ' 8:59 PM Y
& I'm waiting
& the Cat jumped out of the bag
Sometimes you wonder why people want to know so much when it doesn't concern them a single bit.
I guess, Man's curiosity is really a strong power that many of us cannot hold.
We're are curious about everything under the Sun, and yet, we often blame people for poking their nose too much into our personal stuff.
The Pandora's Box; Selfishness and Greediness.
It's hard to escape from that.
.Wednesday, July 11, 2012 ' 9:57 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Rain
Rain. Drenched. Gloomy.
.Tuesday, July 10, 2012 ' 9:05 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Self-Contradiction
After one day of being hardworking, I gave in entirely today.
Reached home around 3.30pm and I haven't done any work since then.
All the talk and self-conviction that I will work hard for As has seem to become just a lie to myself.
Received my PW certificate and felt the 'ouch' when I got reminded of the damn grade again.
As much as I tell myself it's no big deal, 它似乎会是我人生的污点。因为那是我唯一努力过，却没结果的东西。要怪的话，只能怪我当时没有更努力。它颠覆了我相信的一件事：“没有办不到的，只要努力”。但也许我需要认清的是：“努力不一定会成功，但不努力一定不会成功”。
Every time people seem to come to me for ranting and consolation, and I have become so accustomed to it that I seem to be able to come up with something to try and set their thinking right again.
And sometimes during this process, I mock at myself for trying to console people when I'm not in the right mood to begin with. No matter what, to me, I have no reason to make people feel worse just because I'm feeling so. And often enough, my bad mood has no clear reason behind it.
After realising how much 大道理 I can come up with, I start to think to myself, do I actually believe in them as so? Saying is easy, but taking action is otherwise. I don't seem to fully believe in what I say.
It's like when I do personality tests, I start to wonder if that is my personality or is it someone I perceive myself as/I hope to be?
In the end, it may just be a result of thinking too much.
But sad to say, the only time I can shut my thoughts out is when I'm sleeping. (excluding the times when I realise I'm actually thinking in semi-conscious state/in my dreams)
.Sunday, July 8, 2012 ' 6:17 PM Y
& I'm waiting
安全感之谈
巨蟹座一直被安全感控制，他们奋斗、沮丧、快乐、彷徨、寻觅、犹豫都与他们的安全感有密切的联系。也许很多人无法理解蟹蟹把安全感看得如此重，也
无法理解蟹蟹们独特的安全感理论。但事实上，安全感确实在支持和影响着蟹蟹对人处事，不管是负面还是正面的，这是蟹蟹终生都得面对的人生课题
不知何时开始看星座解说，看的重点并不是运势，而是自己星座性格的分析。说真的，挺准的。也许是因为很想了解这莫名的自己吧。但看看身边人的星座解说也能多理解他们。
安全感。那时我不可缺少的一样东西。
这也代表，我没勇气冒险，因为一切太没有安全感。但自己却真正希望自己有冒险，敢拼的精神。也许，现在盲目的赶英文功课也是为了安全感。因为害怕没交功课的后果。（虽然应该也不会有什么事情发生） 也许，自己读书也只是为了安全感，很畏惧事情不在掌握之中的感觉。
着安全感的课题有时很麻烦，却让我自己逃不掉。既然如此，就要习惯没有安全感的寻找安全感，不能永远呆在有安全感的地方，因为那地方，迟早也会失去安全感。
.Saturday, July 7, 2012 ' 6:43 PM Y
& I'm waiting
我们之间
有时候听到这首歌时，还是会忍不住的泛泪。
一切的回忆都涌上心头。虽然真正喜欢上他们不久后他们就分开了，但那时已经习惯了六个人的身影。快要三年了吧，其实应该要习惯了。但看起以前的视频就觉得当时他们有多好，为什么最后变得如此。身为粉丝，我们没权力过问，更没权力管，只是默默地希望一切还是如以前一样，有朝一日可以看到他们合体。有时看到粉丝为这些事情吵架有点可笑，合体不合体由不得我们来说。只要他们都开心，一切顺利。
也许有人会觉得我陷得太深，爱的太夸张。我只能说，没爱过的不懂我们的心情，不懂这没有理由的理由。也许是太深了，但我愿意让自己一直这样下去。有人说，他们不是最棒、最有实力的，但一旦爱上了，就会是一辈子的事。
看到他们的努力，我常提醒自己要向他们迈进、向他们看齐。人生短短几十年，不该就这样淡淡的度过了。矛盾的是，我总让自己很失望。我真的好想拥有一股力量坚持自己的理想，把一切都搞好。
对于身边的好朋友，希望这首歌会是我们友情的见证。（也是他们的承诺。。）
我们之间 不会有改变
相同的起点，一瞬间 变成了乐园
我们之间 转了一大圈
相同的终点， 会发现 所有的心愿 会实现
.Friday, July 6, 2012 ' 10:42 PM Y
& I'm waiting
Blogging
After two whole years, I've decided to come back here.
This blog is amazingly 5 years old and reading all my old posts makes me wonder who I was.
常聼人說，人不能忘記當初的自己。
但，當初的我是怎樣的人？現在的我呢？
No matter what, [IcyWitchy] Janice's old blog is gone.
It was an identity I used to hold on to tightly, because I felt like that was the real me despite Audi being a virtual world. When I look at the AuditionSEA shortcut on my desktop, I have no longer a strong urge to press on it. My definition of the world of audi is no longer what it is, as we all leave this place we used to have fun together. All that's left is memories.
Now, I face reality and my real life, trying to find my own direction in life and future career.
Looking at people around me leaving this tied-up JC life makes me reconsider again and again whether I should still be on this track. I feel so tired having to avoid studying everyday, and at the end of each day, find myself guilty for not doing what I should be doing and try to convince myself that this is important to my life. And the cycle repeats.
& there's this problem about my dad.
Sometimes, I wished he knows what we're talking about.
That attitude, that behaviour, that character, it's unbearable.
But again, when he starts getting touchy (or is there another word for this) and talk about how he slogged for us and stuff, I can't help it.
How I wish he can get over his lousy character soon. It's hard for us, and equally hard for him.
Please, just let everything get over soon.
I need the courage to make my own track, to make a difference.