.Monday, January 2, 2017 ' 10:02 PM Y
& I'm waiting
The Irony
Reposted from a website that lasted only two months; originally published on 21 Nov 16
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A month ago, I sat in front of my brother's desk searching for jobs on an online portal and stressing over how I lack the qualifications and portfolio for applying for a (content) writer job - which was rampant on that site. Somehow, it led me to the decision of setting up this blog.
You may ask, why bother spending the money to buy your own domain and hosting service when you can create one for free? Well, the professional bloggers, as in those who blog for a living, would say you need your own proper site to do that. Was my reason to ultimately to earn money from this blog?
Perhaps it was at first, but things
changed.
The irony came when the next day after setting up this blog, the realisation came to me, something similar to what people would call a "calling". I have always been envious of others who could proudly say that they do not mind sacrificing hours of play and rest because what they are doing is their calling. When I asked a friend of mine studying medicine "why do doctors go on 36hr calls?" and "don't they get tired?", she told me, "It's sad but a senior told me, you can rest after you die." And she said that it seems crazy for herself sometimes too, that she could spend so much time in it, get so interested in it, that "this must really be what people call a calling".
And so, the "calling" came at a really unexpected time with such a great impact it felt like a huge wave was drowning me out. I was appalled by the relief that came from finding something that I could name as "a direction I want to work towards to in my life", after feeling lost and debating with myself for years growing up. And so began my journey of finding out what it entails, talking to my mother and a few friends (some motivating, others information-helpful), attending related talks, doing online research, asking and asking and--I ended up with the conclusion that I needed a job first.
Hah. This is what people call 现实啊...现实 - we are tied down by the limiting realities of life.
I need money.
When I used to apply for bursaries and financial aid during primary/secondary school days and had to ask for my dad's income tax (he's self-employed; my mother does part-time only), I always thought that
my family is rather poor, according to the income reported on the sheets. But to people administering scholarships and financial aid out there, I urge you to actually
understand how income tax statements and household income work. People can have income... without paying income tax.
There are people out there who really need help, while some apply for financial aid simply to take advantage of the system.
Then I got to my JC/Uni days, and I could see clearer where my family stood in terms of finances. We aren't poor, but we aren't well-off either. This life was rather good for me; I was satisfied with the current standard of living. In university, I felt even "richer" because of scholarship allowances that gave me chances to go on overseas trips, to spend on some concert tickets and albums, to purchase more expensive things. All was good until college graduation.
Because I have been officially unemployed for 7 months since examinations ended. I spent the first two months on my overseas service learning project and my graduation trip, and the rest looking for jobs on a spontaneous basis while trying to figure out what I wanted to do. It was a period of reconciliation with myself. Though I started a part-time job close to a month ago, it was with such frustration and helplessness that I'm writing this post.
My father can be one of the most inconsiderate and selfish fathers on earth. I appreciate what he has done for me and I do love him, but it's precisely because I love him that I keep getting hurt repeatedly. So much... that I just wanted to stop and move out of this house with my mother and brother.
When I started typing this post (after a month of procrastination and deciding whether I should cancel the hosting service), I was bombarded by his loud voice of saying how his daughter was yet to be independent and jobless even after university graduation. He was freely telling a stranger how I cannot even give him living allowances yet and how I'm having such a hard time waking up at 5.30am in the morning doing this part-time job just to earn that minimal salary. Sadly, there was only so much that room door could protect me from.
I need money.
So that I could give him money, so that I could rent an apartment and get my mother out of this place, so that I could pursue my "calling".
I'm so reluctant to call it a "calling" now because I do not know if I would still pursue it in the future.
But, it must be nice to have a dream, no?
But to reach for that dream or to settle for a comfortable life with good money for my parents... After finding a direction, I was troubled this time with trying to draw the line between dreams and reality again.
How much would you invest to pursue a "calling" that you finally found? How much would you sacrifice for it? How much... is enough?
And if that dream shatters, what happens?
I do not know.
Life is full of ironies - just like how this blog lost its original purpose before I could even write the first post, just like how I thought I was okay financially before realising I need so much more money, just like how I thought it is fine to be lost before realising that I have lost so much.
It was only till a career coach pointed out that I was disappointed that I didn't realise this calling earlier, did I realise I
am disappointed
...
It was a hopeful, yet disappointing awakening.